Grief

Grief is an odd thing. I have been thinking about this for the last month or so, ever since my Grandpa passed away. He was 91 years old and the proud father of 7 (!) children. It wasn't a surprise when he died. He had gotten pneumonia the week before, so we knew that the call was coming.

The real surprise was how long he did live after the love of his life was gone. My sweet Grandma passed away 10 years ago this week, and at that time, they had been married for 59 years. He adored her--it was something that we talked about at his funeral. My aunt commented that he was certainly a "one-woman man". I think they met in school and that was that. :) Knowing that, I thought for certain that Grandpa would be gone within a year of a broken heart. And I think he wanted to be gone--he wanted to be with his Bette.

But that was not the plan. He was here to meet 9 of his great-grandchildren, which I like to believe gave him joy. (I know that my Grandma would have spoiled them rotten.) In the past few years, his mind deteriorated. He moved out of the home he had lived in for years, and into senior housing. Then, he needed more help and moved into assisted living. At that point, he claimed that he found Bette again and was going to marry her! It was cute, yet sad at the same time.

We saw him at the end of Halloween, when we all got together, and he was incredibly lucid. He watched the kids run around and we had a nice conversation. He left the room and then I found out he went back to his bedroom to take a nap. I regret that I never got the chance to give him a final hug or say that I love you. I like to think that he knew that.

So, ever since he passed, I haven't really cried. I feel a few tears, but nothing really happens. I know from past experiences that something odd will trigger it, and then I will finally be able to cry.

The actual day of the funeral was strange. Obviously, the basic needs of children always trump everything, even grief. What I mean by this is that I couldn't even think of where we were going that morning, because I still had to treat it like a normal day: get the kids changed, fed, bathed and dressed and then still prep the diaper bag to ensure that they needed for the day. Afterward, we all went out to eat and spend time together as a family. And then that night, Mike and I watched a movie at home, but it just felt odd to do "normal" things at a time like that. I know that is what you should do. Life goes on, and enjoying life doesn't diminish the person who is gone. It just feels weird.

7

Dear Allison, my little Ally beary,

Today, you turn 7 years old. My heart is full of all the things that I want to say to you. You are my sweet girl, who has always been my child who wants to cuddle and asks for more hugs and kisses. You are growing up so quickly--I remember when we brought you home from the hospital and took you on a "tour" of the house. Then we didn't know what to do with you! :)

Today, you are eagerly anticipating your birthday party tomorrow and your presents from Mommy and Daddy tonight. You jumped out of bed last night and said "Goodbye 6! Tomorrow I am 7!" I hope that as a 7 year old, you keep the same great attitude and joy for life that you have right now. You are a spelling ace, and an amazing big sister. You read everything in sight--even the cereal boxes--and can't wait until "Wild Kratts" comes on tv. I am starting to wonder if a career as a zoologist is in your future!

Our "Mommy & Ally" days are full of special time when we can just snuggle and laugh. I look forward to more of those days, as well as "girly" days when we play with Kelly.

You are my sunshine, baby. Happy birthday!

Mommy

Birthday BS

Allison's 7th birthday is quickly approaching. I cannot believe how fast time flies by. It truly seems like just yesterday she was Kelly's age, running around like crazy and barely speaking in sentences.

We, well I, have had a huge issue with the birthday planning. When I was little, my mom made me invite all the girls in my class to my party--even the brats who teased me and made me cry. My birthday is in April, so we were usually able to have it outside. Obviously, with Ally's birthday in January, that's isn't happening. Nor can I afford it, or even imagine having 13 little girls running around. Oy!

So every year I have guilt over how to handle this. I don't want to hurt first-graders' feelings. Last year, we invited 5 or so kids and the teacher put the invites in the folder that went home every day. No problem and it was a small but fun party.

This year, I have the same guilt especially since she decided to wanted to invite a BOY! What? Here I am trying to figure out some way to invite all the girls and now you want to invite a boy? What does this mean?????

So, Mike slammed the brakes on inviting more than 6 kids and we were fine with the whole inviting the boy thing (though I still have questions...).

Her teacher this year does the same folder procedure--send the folder every day, and it gets sent home every night with notes, homework, fliers, etc. I sent the invites in Ally's folder with a note for Mrs. D to put the invites in the other kids' folders. I have explained to Ally that the kids who aren't invited might feel hurt that they aren't included--we are talking about 6 year olds here.

So that afternoon, I asked what happened. She said that Mrs. D CALLED EACH CHILD INTO THE HALLWAY TO GIVE THEM THE INVITE! Yes, I am screaming because I am livid! Apparently, she did it while they were cleaning up from breakfast. I asked if the other kids noticed and she said yes, they all wanted to know what was going on. One of the little boys said he was jealous. I am so ticked. Allison said that the kids could have noticed it in the folders as well, but I feel like Mrs. D made a HUGE production out of it, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid. Allison could have done it much more nonchalantly than that. Livid. Livid. Livid.

Am I wrong?

Updates

I am exhausted...this week isn't halfway over and I am worn out! I realized that I haven't posted any pics of Ally in her cast or the girls in their Halloween costumes. I will try and upload some later today--if I'm not taking a nap! :)

I just got back from taking Ally to Children's--the cast is OFF!!!!!!!!! Yay! It seems like the longest month ever! It feels like forever since I've seen my child's arm! The mornings before school became much more difficult--I had to help her get dressed, open the toothpaste, get her cereal, help her with her shoes, etc. You realize how much you rely on your child to be independent, even at the age of 6! So, it all healed great, but now she has to start using it again, since the arm is weak. When I dropped her off, she was still holding her arm like it had the cast on it!

Kelly was still fighting me regarding the potty up until last weekend. We had pretty much done everything but bribe her with a car to get her in there. I tried the whole "pretty panties" thing--she yanked them off and said she didn't like them. Mike bribed her with a piece of candy on Saturday and she was finally willing. And she went! So, the last few days she has peed consistently in the potty! No poop yet, so we are still in pullups. But she has pulled a complete 180, because she is rotten. Now, she constantly wants to go "pee in potty". She wants to go, even if it is just a few drops so she can get a sticker! Last night, she went 3-4 times before she finally crashed. Not to mention, we are still on the "little" potty...she wants nothing to do with the "real" potty. That's going to be lots of fun when we are out and about...ugh...so stubborn! It's a good thing she is cute!

Speaking of cute, we wound up changing Kelly's bedtime routine. More like actually going back to a routine. A few weeks ago, she was having a hard time settling down, so I covered her with her blanket, smoothed her hair and sang her "Kelly belly" song to her. She got the most adorable look on her face--I have my own song!--and went to sleep soon after. Now, she requests "Mommy, cover me!" and I have to sing 3 songs every night. It's worth it for the smiles.

Busted & fractured

The last two weeks have not been a good time around here. On Saturday, we all went out for a nice lunch to Olive Garden. We had a great time, and I love going there! Mike doesn't really like Italian food--yet he married an Italian girl, hmm?--so we don't go very often.

Anyway, as we were headed out, Kelly said that she had to go potty. I looked at her like she was crazy, because this was just two days after her freakout. But I took her in. Needless to say, she looked at the regular size toilets and looked back at me, and said, "No!". I wasn't surprised and we headed back out to where Ally & Mike were getting in the car.

I was holding her hand and the next thing I knew I felt a pull on my arm as we were outside. I saw her little face right before it hit the rock walkway! I scooped her up and there was blood everywhere, and she was screaming. I felt so guilty. I couldn't tell at first if she had broken teeth or just busted (bust?) her lip. I held her for a while and the bleeding didn't want to stop, but we didn't see any damage to her teeth, thankfully. Talk about a horrible way to ruin a nice lunch. Kelly had cut her lip pretty badly, and it took several days to heal up. She complained about the inside of her mouth hurting for most of the week--I think she must have cut her cheek when she fell as well.

Then, last Wednesday, Ally went to the first meeting of Bobcat Club. Basically, an afterschool club for first and second graders to have a snack and play for a while. Since the weather was nice, they were going to be outside on the playground. Mike picked her up and I was washing dishes when she came in. I thought she was fooling around when I heard her making strange sounds. But no, she was crying hysterically! She had fallen off the monkey bars right before he picked her up and the teachers were trying to evaluate if she had broken anything. We looked at her arm and the right arm just looked "off", swollen and something was definitely wrong.

Mike took her to the local hospital and two hours later she was home with a cast & sling. Ally broke her right elbow. I stayed home because I didn't think Kelly would do well waiting for hours in a hospital, but I HATED being away from my baby while she was in pain. Ally was a trooper. By the time she came home, she was fine. They even gave her a scrip for tylenol with codeine and she didn't need it, thankfully. Maneuvering with the cast is awkward for her, but she's not in pain. I am concerned about how she is going to do with schoolwork and everything.

I'm just hoping that things calm down a little around here.

Potty-training freakouts!

Warning, in case the title didn't turn you off already--this post is about bodily functions!

Kelly just turned 3 last month (yay!) and is still not potty-trained. Not a huge surprise, since Ally was 3 1/2 before she was really trained. But Kelly had actually gone both pee & poop in the potty months ago (maybe 6+ months) so I was hopeful. But alas, it was not meant to be.

So, we kept prompting and she kept saying no.

Well, Kelly started a new daycare a few weeks ago and they are obviously pushing it. Wednesday, I asked her if she wanted to try and go when she woke up, and she did! She earned her sticker--she gets 1 for pee and 2 for poop--and I kept asking her every hour or two. She went potty 5 times! After her nap and during dinner, she forgot and wet her pullup. But Kelly did amazingly well! We put her in a diaper for night-time. Then I heard her yelling at 5:45 that she had to pee...ugh. That was rough, and we both had a hard time falling back to sleep.

Thursday she was at daycare and used the potty all day long! By Thursday night, I was dreaming of finally being able to stop buying diapers FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 6 1/2 YEARS! After dinner, Kelly went into the bathroom to try and that it where the trouble began. She thought she peed, but she actually pooped. She hadn't pooped in the potty except maybe once, and that was a long time ago. When she stood up and looked in the potty, she began to cry and yelled, "I don't like that!" She completely freaked out...or you could say she "lost her shit"!


I calmly cleaned her up and showed her that we flushed it, so she wouldn't have to look at it. But she was not happy! The problem is that she was traumatized by the incident. She refuses to go near the potty now! I told her she doesn't have to poop in it, just pee. But she won't go. Not once. We were SO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreaming

I have a problem. I had a dream several months ago. A nightmare, really. It is honestly still scaring the crap out of me. I dreamed (or is dreamt the correct term?) that I was in someone's driveway--I think it was supposed to be mine. You know how dreams take pieces of real life--your house, your school, work, your neighbor's house etc and combine them into one insane collage that makes sense in dreamland? Anyway, it wasn't my real driveway but it was mine in the dream. So, I'm backing out of the driveway and looking in the rear-view mirror. As I look back, I see two girls suddenly appear in the mirror. I slammed on the brakes and I think that I avoid them. But I don't. I hit one of them.

When I looked in the mirror, the girls were NOT my kids. However, I felt the "thud' for lack of a better term as I hit the girl in my dream and woke up. As I was ripped out of the dream, the child that I hit changed to Kelly. I think that she died in the dream--I didn't just hit her foot or something. Needless to say, there was no going back to sleep that day.

So, many people would just chalk it up to a bad dream. But for some reason this is haunting me. I'm now worried that it is some sort of premonition and am super alert anytime I am around a school--which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, I dropped Kelly off last week and looked down from the wheel for a second. I heard a child scream and my heart dropped. Then I realized that I was driving past their fenced-in playground and the kids were screaming in fun! A few weeks ago, I took Ally to camp at the Y and was in a hurry. I didn't do a thorough job of checking before I backed out, and worried that maybe I hit somebody. I STILL remember the feeling of that dream and it was at least 2-3 months ago. Being a careful driver is one thing, but being obsessive is another.