Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Relieved

Oops, this has been sitting in my draft folder...all is fine. 

As you can probably tell from the title,  my doctor was not that concerned about the cyst.  I got so worked up about it and then she wasn't worried about it.  She said that this was an incidental finding, and since I started my period within 2 days of going off the pill, then I'm not going into menopause.  She also said if she were to scan a group of 100 women, there would be quite a few with cysts.  The only thing she wanted to do was have a repeat ultrasound in two months, in order to see if there is another one, or if this one has gotten bigger.  When I groaned about the idea of having to drink all that water, she said that wasn't an issue if I just had it done in her office.  So, I will gladly go to her office and get it done if that means I don't have to worry about peeing my pants! :) 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Worried

So, I last wrote about my period being MIA.  After several weeks with no period and two negative pregnancy tests, I finally went to the dr.  She agreed that it could be my hormones and ordered some bloodwork.  She also wanted me to have an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries and make sure that things looked okay. 

Last week, they called me with the results that the bloodwork was normal.  And I was somewhat disappointed, because I was hoping they would find something that would explain why I feel lousy and my body is skipping periods.  I went to my ultrasound on Wednesday, and that sucked horribly.  I had to drink 32 oz of water in 15 minutes and not pee.  Umm, I have had two children and my bladder has taken some damage due to that!  I thought I was going to pee my pants on the drive to the hospital, and then I thought for certain I was going to pee in the chair in the waiting room, and I even warned the tech that I might pee on her!  Thankfully, she was quick and there was no accidents.  I mean, I even took a backpack with a change of clothes just in case!

However, the office just called me with the results of the ultrasound and they found a cyst on my ovary.  Now, I had one of those back in high school and I was out of school for 3 weeks when it ruptured  But this hasn't felt anything like that.  I was shocked when they told me that and that she wants me to see my gynecologist.  Amazingly, the office must have had a cancellation because she is able to see me tomorrow.  And I am so thankful for that.  You see, I made the mistake of consulting "dr google" if you will, and now I am worried.  Instead of thinking about the cyst like I had in high school, I am now wondering and worried if the cyst is malignant or benign.  Could I have ovarian cancer?  I am scared as to what the doctor will say tomorrow....

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Late

Yep, I'm late for an important date.  And it's freaking me out a little.  My period was due last week and I barely spotted for a day.  That's it.  Not my normal.  However, it gets a little more complicated than that.  You are probably thinking that I'm preggers.  Normal assumption.  But my hubs had a vasectomy last year, plus I'm on the pill.  So, that baby would REALLY be special if I am pregnant.  I take meds for my migraines, so I got a little paranoid and took a pregnancy test just in case.  It was negative yesterday morning (shades of Christmas Eve 2007 when we found out I was pregnant with Kelly) but I still haven't started.

Now I'm googling "missed period but not pregnant" and I don't know what to do.  I wondered a few months ago if I was starting menopause b/c it felt like I was having hot flashes.  My dr referred me to my gynecologist and said it could be hormone issues.  I never went b/c the flashes stopped, but now I'm wondering if I am starting menopause.  I am only 35!!!!!!  But once again, due to the magic of the internet, it is apparently possible to go into early menopause at 35.  Oy.  I guess I am headed to the doctor soon.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Evil pt 2

So, the last time that I wrote I was dealing with the revelations that Ally's dear friend had been molested.  Evil, as I said.  Then, just 12 days ago, the whole country heard the story of a different kind of an evil.  The tragedy that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.  I didn't really want to write about this, but every time I thought of a possible blog post, it felt flippant to NOT address the shootings. 

I was home alone that day, with both kids in school/day care.  I had seen a headline that morning about a shooter at an elementary school, but considering it didn't state "x number of people killed" or whatnot, I assumed that they disarmed him.  Obviously, I was wrong.  It was 2 or 3 hours later that I saw the news on tv or facebook and was horrified, of course.  I truly felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.  Who does that?  What kind of evil person does that?  Now, my undergrad degree (well, my only degree so far) is in psychology, so I do understand and emphathize with issues of mental health.  But this goes beyond any kind of understanding. 

I tried to avoid the news, but you can't, unless you physically turn off the tv, radio and computer.  Yet at the same time, I was drawn to it, trying to understand it, probably deep down, trying to figure out what happened so that somehow I can keep my babies safe.  I picked Ally up at her regular time, and picked Kelly up early.  I just wanted my girls where I could see them and hug them. 

There was a quote misattributed to Morgan Freeman, that stated disturbed people look at the way the mainstream media covers such tragedies, and how we know the names of the shooters but rarely the victims, and that people crave that attention.  I have to agree with that to a certain extent.  I appreciated that Anderson Cooper wouldn't say the shooter's name. 

We didn't know what to say to Ally.  I know that some schools had a moment of silence for the victims, so I wanted her to have an idea of what they were talking about.  So, we broached the subject by stating that something bad happened and people died.  It wasn't until a few days later that I told her it was at a school.  I don't want her scared to go to school.  Of course, this is one of the core issues with these shootings--are we not supposed to send our kids to school?  To a movie theater?  To see a polician speak?  I think that Giselle summed it up very well.  At school, those people are there because they love kids.  They would do anything to keep the kids safe.  The teachers and staff in Sandy Hook?  True heroes. 

And I broached it for nothing--she said that the school didn't mention it.  I did think it was important to point out, again, as Giselle mentioned, that if a teacher tells you to do something weird like everyone hiding in a closet or whatever, to do it.   One thing that has irritated me is that we have received no letter or even automated call from our principal or superintendent.  I didn't want to be another parent inundating the principal with calls, but I'm sure that I'm not the only parent wanting to know that our school has a plan and practices for such situations. 

This tragedy has affected most people, I think.  Sadly, when most of us hear about a death or something sad, we quickly forget about it.  I don't think that has happened with this situation.  Certainly not for me.  I look at Kelly's little face when I am tucking her in and just get upset again, not understanding how someone could shoot a small child. These children were somewhere in between the ages of my girls.  It horrifies me to think of the fear and pain in that classroom.  How many cried for their parents.  It's just too much.  I can't imagine what those first responders how to live with. With the shooting happening so close to the holidays, I just feel that it adds another layer of horror.  If you lose someone, even a parent or grandparent, the holidays are tough.  Even years later.  But to lose a child, and right before Christmas, it's unfathomable.  I kept thinking of the unopened presents that are probably sitting in these families' house and it brings me to tears.   While I'm not a religious person, I hope that these families find some comfort from their faith or their friends/family to see them through this time.   

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Evil

This post has been rattling around in my head for a while, because I still am attempting to deal with it.  Ally has a best friend, let's call her N.  They adore each other and have been  "BFF"s since kindergarden.  Now, years ago, N's mom made what appeared to be a reference to abuse, and I hoped that I was wrong.  But I wasn't.  I was talking to N's mom about a month ago and found out that N was sexually abused when she was 2 years old.  I didn't exactly find out details, though I pieced together sketchy ideas from what she said, enough to disturb me, obviously. 

The evil bastard used it as punishment, and the worst part of it is that he is still out there.  No, I'm sorry--the worst part is that he has 2 daughters of his own, so you know that he is doing it to them too. 

Apparently, a 2 year old is not considered a credible witness and the police really couldn't do anything.  She wasn't actually raped, so I don't believe there was any physical evidence.  Regardless, as N's mom said to me, that makes these small kids the perfect victim.  No one believes them, and even if they do, they aren't considered credible in a court of law.  Now, I have two kids, and I get that they make stuff up.  My girls are incredibly creative when it comes to play and you just wonder where they come up with this stuff.  But no 2 year old would make up what N said happened. 

I was just sick on the phone as N's mom was telling me these things.   She is rightfully angry, even after all this time.  I don't know how to handle it.  I did have a short talk with Ally reinforcing that no one should see or touch her "private area".  (I know we should deal with anatomically correct terms, but we just don't.)  And if they ever did, to tell us immediately.  She wasn't exactly receptive because she wanted to play instead.  The statistics out there are boggling with regards to women being raped, anywhere from 1 in 5 to 1 in 4.  I'm sure that the percentage of children being molested is more than any of us can bear.  (I just attempted to google for that percentage and now I am afraid what horrible things are going to pop up in my browser.)

I think that I have taught my kids to be safe, but I just want to keep them locked in my house forever. 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Kind of an update and kind of disgusting

So, I went to the doctor on Monday.  She checked me out and stated that I was probably dehydrated, throwing my whole system out of whack.  She prescribed a medication to help with the nausea, and informed me that I needed to drink a lot of liquids that day--2 liters worth!!!!!!!  It was already almost 2 pm, so I couldn't imagine doing it.  Especially since I could only drink your standard liquids for a stomach bug--7-up, chicken broth, gatorade, jello.  All of which I hate.  :( 

Then she sent me over to the lab for bloodwork and then sent me home to collect, ahem, other samples.  That was disgusting.  I am still waiting for results--she said the bloodwork should be back in a day and the other samples would take a while, depending on what specific test.  I finally called on Friday afternoon, but the receptionist said the bloodwork results were in but she didn't know why the doctor hadn't done something, it wasn't clear to me, but obviously they weren't ready for me know.  Sorry for the massive run-on sentence.  Anyway, I hope to hear something Monday.

However, even just drinking liquids, my stomach was SOOOO upset.  And my head was killing me.  By Monday night, I was incredibly hungry and my stomach was not rumbly, it was making scary noises!  I called Tuesday morning and she said to stay on the liquids for another day.  Once again, I was ravenous, but oddly enough, my stomach wasn't making noises by that point.  By Tuesday night though, I wasn't really wanting to eat anymore.  I did think that I was going to pass out--I was so weak and out of it, that I literally stumbled to bed wondering if I was going to die!  Wednesday, I got to start the lovely BRAT diet--again,  I truly dislilke two of those things.  I ate 6 pieces of toast that day and actually choked down half a banana.  I hate bananas so much, my mom couldn't believe me when I told her I ate part of one! 

So, I am slowly trying to eat again and see what settles okay.  Things still aren't right, but they seem a little better.  I am still having my headaches, but she has me on two new meds for that--gabapentin and riboflavin of all things.  I am also trying to stay hydrated, so hopefully I never have to drink 2 liters of liquid in half of a day!  Blech!  We will see what happens next week!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Scared

So, it's been a long time, as usual.  I wish I had a good excuse, but I don't.  Just life--being busy with the girls and trying to keep them from driving me crazy this summer.

However, something is going on with me and I need to put it down on paper...err, just get it out of my head.  I have felt like crap for the last 8-9 days--horrible headaches and stomach pain/diarrhea.  Now, I am a sickly girl--always have been.  I have migraines, so the headaches didn't seem that unusual.  I also have irritable bowel (sorry if that's TMI), so the stomach thing wasn't surprising either.  But the length and severity of both, combined right now, are scaring me.  I've taken my meds for both and neither are working well. 

Needless to say, being this sick has made me a little depressed.  It's difficult to function--I was sick to my stomach while taking Kelly to school, and I can't be far away from a bathroom, so I can't run my errands.  Not to mention, my headache makes me dizzy and I don't trust myself to drive. 

But Friday morning, I started to wonder if there is some underlying problem--brain tumor?  Stomach cancer?  Are they both symptoms of something horrible?  As much as I didn't want to, I called and made an appointment for the doctor on Monday.  I'm hoping she will send me for an MRI or CAT scan so I can either know or rule out this scary possibility.

And going down this road, at least mentally, has me thinking about what I would miss with my girls and that, in turn, is making me emotional.  I have felt stuck in a rut the last few years, but still don't know what I want to be "when I grow up".  The idea that this is it, and I may not get a chance to see my kids grow up or ultimately make a difference in the world, is terrifying.