Too much to handle

I have lots of topics that I want to blog about, but honestly, don't have the energy. I know, its my typical lament.

One thing in particular is weighing me down right now. These are just random thoughts, so bear with me. I came back from a nice dinner with the fam last Sunday and checked my Facebook page (see earlier post about addiction). Anyway, a really good friend of mine from high school had posted some shocking news. She is undergoing her first round of chemo for breast cancer this week. The plan is 4 rounds of chemo and then a mastectomy. She had the first round of chemo yesterday and it made her "tired, woozy and nauseous".

J is my age, almost 32, and only been married for 2 years. No kids yet. I don't know if that will ever happen now, because of the chemo and drugs. She is a vet, so she has knowledge in the medical field, which I think might make things worse. She knows what all of this means; she knows the true stats; she knows how horrible some of the meds can be. However, she also has the avenues to get the most up-to-date information and options.

J was a really good friend in jr high and high school. We have been sporadic about keeping in touch since (a couple of emails a year) and I haven't seen her in several years--she lives several states away.

J is hands-down the smartest person I know. Absolute genius. Graduated either first or second in our class of 400+ students. Was told sophomore year by our chemistry teacher that she should be teaching the class, not taking it!

I hoped that the next surprising news that she would be posting would be that she and B were expecting a baby. Certainly wasn't expecting this news, as I'm sure J wasn't either. Her journal states that all of this has happened since she woke up on May 9th with a swollen breast.

She has always been fit, and taken really good care of herself. Not that cancer gives a crap about that, but it leads my thoughts down the road..."if it can happen to her, well, what about me." Me--overweight, sugar overloading, no veggie eating, no exercising me. I think that whenever someone in your family or circle of friends is facing something like this, it causes you to evaluate your own life and mortality. It doesn't seem possible that this can be happening to her. I know the stats, and I know that women younger than us are diagnosed as well. While I have had family members diagnosed with cancer, J is my first friend to face it. And she is the first person in my life (I think) to deal with breast cancer specifically.

It also reminds me of something I dealt with in 2002. I found a small lump in my breast in the fall, and immediately went to the dr. She sent me for a mammogram (lovely experience at the age of 25) and ultimately an ultrasound. I remember going on a trip with my hubby while waiting for the results, and wondering if I would ever travel again. We made a specific trip to Disneyland because I had never been there, and I wasn't sure if I ever would again. I wondered if I would have children. What else would I miss? Luckily, it turned out to be a fibroid and nothing cancerous. But to even start down that road is terrifying.

I don't know what stage J's cancer is, and I don't know what her rates of survival are. My God, that feels macabre to put that in writing. I have never met her husband, but I'm sure she picked a good one and I hope that he is taking incredible care of her. All I know is that she is one of the strongest people that I know and I am praying for her every day. If you are the praying sort, please include J in your prayers.

Addicted

At Christmas time, my high school friends were over for pizza. Two of them started talking about Facebook, and I rolled my eyes. My husband and I are very technologically "behind" or delayed. We got a cell phone only for emergencies; we don't text; we have no clue how to operate an ipod or mp3 player. So, the whole idea of myspace or facebook seemed like something we would not be interested in. I was curious, so I signed up a few days later. And the trouble began...

I first friended my best friend Kia, who was the one who originally mentioned the site. I was able to "cyberstalk" some of the people that I went to high school with! Umm...if that is creepy, I'm just joking! :o) It was neat to see what people are up to, what they look like now, who they married, and all kinds of good stuff. I found old boyfriends/crushes--which was weird. Let's just say that its a good thing life turned out the way it did! I found people that I haven't seen in 10-14 years. And the status updates are lots of fun--you just post important (or mundane) information about your day. It is kind of like a high school reunion without all the pressure. One of the exciting things for me has been that several of my hs friends have had babies in the last 2 months, so I get to see BRAND NEW BABY pics! Yay!

Lots of games to play. You have the academic ones, like "word challenge" and "twirl". I am all about the spelling games. You also have the infamous "mafia wars" and a new one for me--"farm town"--which seemed lame but sucked me in regardless. The quizzes are hysterical as well. Anything from "what muppet character are you" to "what famous literary character are you" to "what your birth number says about you". I saw one today--"what star trek character are you"--I will have to share that one with Mike. On an ordinary day, I login to my email and then facebook. I am constantly checking for new updates and/or new messages. I wish I had time to actually visit these people. It has definitely helped with the feeling of isolation that I have being a SAHM. But...it might be getting a little out of hand.

Mike thinks that I am addicted to the internet--reading blogs, facebook, ebay and even twitter. Hey--if you are on twitter, find me at sarylynn. Though to be completely honest with you, I don't quite get twitter. I joined during the Ashton Kutcher/CNN battle. Since I am a dork, who wants to guess which one I follow????

Well, I think I have to go check my updates and tend to my farm. Just kidding--Kelly is awake and wanting her mama!

TV time

So, the television. Sometimes I really hate the damn thing. I will fully admit that Ally probably saw more tv as an infant than she should have. Considering she would wake up at 5:45, not nap but for a few minutes in my arms, and not go to sleep until 9 at night, the tv was necessary to keep me awake. As she got older, I made a conscious effort for her NOT to watch tv. She would watch Sesame Street and that would be it. As she turned 2 or a little older, she liked Dora the Explorer with a passion. Formulaic, but cute and educational. I could deal with that. We sometimes watched Clifford as well. But the limit was only 1 or 2 shows, and they were always educational.

Then I got pregnant with Kelly. I was soooo tired that by the afternoon, I would sometimes let her watch a movie just so I could catch a nap. Not my finest parenting, but it was survival.

Now, the minute she wakes up, it is all about "Can I watch a show or movie?" Oy. I still limit it to 3 shows, or about an hour to 90 minutes. I am so tired of having to argue with her about how much she can watch a day. I have even threatened to get rid of it, but that would never realistically happen. With two kids, tv time (which usually overlaps with Kelly's naptime) is my only time to get anything done. Even if we discuss, "okay, this is the last show for the day", she usually asks again by that afternoon. And that just infuriates me when we have to have the same discussion. Again. Ugh.

But to make it worse, I just abhor kids television for the most part. It hurts my head to watch some of this crap. Dora, Diego, Little Einsteins--that's all fine. But I can't stand Wonder Pets or Backyardigans, and Yo Gabba Gabba looks like you need to be stoned to watch it. She is totally fickle about her likes/dislikes. She hated Clifford for months and then wanted to watch it nonstop. Ally despises Sesame Street and absolutely refuses to watch it--its been that way for months.

However, Ally recently has started liking Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears, which is a total retro kick to me! Speaking of Strawberry Shortcake, there is a great giveaway of the new movie at PS Mom Reviews: Strawberry Shortcake Berry Big Journeys. Be sure to enter tonight! I am entering of course--I need to expand the variety available so I don't lose my mind!

Alone...at last?

Alone. What do you think of when you read the word "alone"? To me, it signifies peace and quiet. Unfortunately, more often that not, it is time to do housework while Mike corrals the kids. But other times, being alone allows me to touch base with friends, scrapbook, read, or just to think.

To my oldest, Allison, alone is a bad thing. If I am in the bedroom folding laundry, she will run in and say, "Mommy, you are alone! I'll keep you company." Cute, but certainly not necessary. I have tried to explain to her that being alone is okay sometimes. One important place to be alone is the bathroom! Then again, since she was 15 months old, she would walk in on me in the bathroom, since I don't feel comfortable closing/locking the door.

If Kelly is happily playing in her bouncer, and Allison is playing in her room, then I might wash a few dishes or check my email. But, more often that not, here comes Allison saying, "Oh no, Kelly is alone!". How many times can I say that she is okay for a few minutes in a contained area? Or that Mommy isn't going to cry if she is alone for a few minutes? In fact, I might cheer if I have a few minutes alone! :o) Anybody else feel this way?

It has proved most problematic at nighttime. Allison has always been in our bed for at least part of the night. That is a whole post in and of itself. As it currently stands, she comes in our bed anywhere from 12-3 in the morning. I asked her why she didn't want to stay in her room, and she told me that she didn't want to be alone. She also didn't want Mommy to be alone--ignoring the fact that I have Daddy with me until 5:30! I told her that she wasn't alone, since she has her dolls and bears and whatnot. And even being in our bed doesn't solve the problem. Since I wake up when Kelly wakes up, I let Allison sleep. But when she wakes up, she is mad because she is ALONE...

Zoo trip

I have lots of important posts to write, but am sick (again) and don't have the energy to write. So, instead, I will share our zoo trip! Our membership ends this month, so we decided to take both girls to the zoo. I wasn't feeling well, so I wasn't sure if Kelly and I would go. Ally was very disappointed, because she wanted all 4 of us to go. That was adorable that she wanted the whole family to go together! She was so sad that I sucked it up and went, and we had a great time.

Mommy and Ally

The flowers were beautiful, and Ally loved all of them. She especially loved the purple and pink ones, since she is definitely a "girly-girl"!

Ally had a good time roaming around and looking at all the animals. We went inside the insect world and I expected her to say "yuck" and want to leave. Nope. She liked looking at all the beetles, ants, snakes and grasshoppers

I would rather be sleeping too!

This bear kept pacing back and forth, putting on a great show for all the kids!

This lion woke up just as we were walking by, so we were able to get a good picture.

Our plan was to find the lions, zebras, giraffes and hippos. Do you know why? Because Ally is addicted to the "move it move it" movie, aka Madagascar. If you haven't seen this movie, you should check it out. I find it amusing, even after seeing it 5 times (so far). We didn't see all of the animals, but that was because Ally was tired and hungry and CRANKY!

This picture was a joke! I thought she would like to climb on it and take a picture. Oh no. For some reason, she freaked out! Mike and I told her it wasn't real--he even put his head in the mouth of the alligator/crocodile (I don't know which it is). She still wouldn't stay on it, and even cried. We said it was okay, and walked away. Then she cried again, because we DIDN'T take a picture. So we went back (luckily only a few steps), waited again for our turn, and as you can tell, she was so thrilled to take her picture. That was as close to it as she was going to get!

My cuties on the way out of the zoo

Everybody had a good time, even Kelly. She enjoyed watching all of the people! I think we will try to take Ally one more time...she wanted to go again the next weekend!

Got milk?

So, it has been several months since I updated...oops. For the one or two people who read this, I am going to try to post once a week. We will see how that goes!

The biggest thing that has happened is that the realization that Kelly has a milk allergy. It has been so overwhelming that I haven't been able to talk (or write) about it much. It all started back in November at her 2 month checkup. She was given an antibiotic for an ear infection, and also had her standard shots. Well, she wound up with diarrhea. We are talking about 6-8 times a day; her normal pattern was 2-3 times every other day. She was also very unhappy--cranky, not sleeping well, crying unconsolably. However, we had been suspecting reflux, just like Ally had as a baby. After 4-5 days, I called the pediatrician, because the paperwork for the rotateq vaccine said that it could cause diarrhea. The nurses said it was because of the antibiotic. After a week of her being miserable, we took her to the pediatrician who said that the bacteria in her belly were out of balance and to give her yogurt to restore the good bacteria. Fine. In retrospect, WTH did I do to her? In an act that was either parenting genius or a new low in my parenting career, I stuck Kelly's fingers in the yogurt and let her suck it off. Because, let me tell you, trying to get a 2 month old to eat from a spoon works as well as giving a 1 day old Ally formula from a medicine cup! I guess the yogurt worked, since the poopy diapers decreased a little. But she was still going 3-4 times a day. We wound up back at the pediatrician because she was still unhappy and in pain, and we wound up with a diagnosis of reflux, though she said the pooping didn't make sense. Tried the zantac, no huge difference. The pediatrician had mentioned that we might want to bring in a diaper and have the stool tested for blood, which would indicate a milk allergy. We blew that off, because we figured we would have known already. Kelly is my chunky monkey, at least compared to Ally! She gained 2 lbs in one month!

However, after a month of increased pooping and increased crankiness, I took a diaper in, fully expecting them to say "nope" and send me home. The nurse came out and said that the dr wanted to see me since it was positive for blood. I was all along in the waiting room with Kelly, and my heart just sank. How could this be? Wouldn't that have been evident early on? I was nursing her, but eating plenty of dairy, so I would think that would have led to her not gaining at all. The dr said the good side of it was that she did gain well, but her gut was so irritated that there was blood in her stool. So, the edict was no more dairy for Mommy, effective immediately. And immediately was 3 days before Christmas. I came home and cried while Kelly slept in her car seat, and then called my hubby and mom. I had a little pity party for myself. It is hard enough to find time to eat anything with 2 kids, but now that we had to cut out dairy, it was impossible. No more lean cuisine entrees, grilled cheese, pasta with parmesan, even just cereal with milk. You don't realize how many things have dairy until you look at the ingredients--nutrigrain bars for instance. And chocolate is a no-no, which killed me. So no Christmas cookies or over-the-top desserts for me this year. No mashed potatoes. No veggie dip, or any other kinda yummy dip. No cheese plate. No garlic bread. Nada. Now, obviously, the most important thing was that Kelly get well, and she did. But it was definitely a hard thing to change, especially since (IMO) soy milk sucks and soy cheese still has whey (a dairy byproduct) in it. However, I was SO HUNGRY. I was eating and eating enough to keep up my supply, but nothing was satisfying me. I wanted pizza. Skyline chili. Ice cream. Ranch dressing. Lasagna. Cheese on my tacos--ever had a taco without cheese? Its just wrong. And I didn't make Ally or Mike cut out dairy, so I had to watch them eat it, which was torture.

Kelly seemed to improve; her eczema got better; she wasn't crying as much and was starting to sleep better. And that was all that mattered!

Sleep--the holy grail for parents

So, here we are...sleep-deprived again. The biggest issue that we worried about before Kelly's arrival has come to fruition. Maybe it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. All I know is that at the age of 4 months, she is refusing to sleep in her crib at all. It was bad enough when she wouldn't nap in her bed, but now she acts scared of the damn thing. We did change her out of the pack-n-play to an actual crib, but that night she put herself to sleep (with us in the room ) and slept all night!

I am at my wits end. Mike and I don't have any time to do anything around the house or even spend time together. Basically, he comes home, we cook and eat dinner--whichever one isn't holding the baby cooks! Then play a little with the kids while the other adult cleans up or does laundry. Put Ally to bed, usually while I am nursing Kelly. Depending on how the night goes, Kelly might go to sleep while nursing, but more likely I have to rock her to sleep. During which time, she screams bloody murder. Then I try to put her in her bed and she wakes up immediately. It doesn't matter if she has slept in my arms for 2 minutes or 2 hours--it just won't happen. It also doesn't matter if we try the pack and play, the swing, the bouncy or the car seat. The only place she will sleep is in somebody's arms. So Mike and I take shifts in the recliner in the living room.



Might I add that this is EXACTLY what Ally did 4 years ago. And Mike and I wound up discussing divorce a lot because we were so tired, tense and irritable. Not that we actually pursued it, but it felt like the only thing we could hurl at each other to hurt. Not our finest moment in life. So, for this to be happening again worries me.



Before you suggest we let her cry it out, let me give you some background with our fam and sleeping. Ally did the same thing--sleep issues exacerbated by gas and reflux. At the age of 5-6 months, we were exhausted and let her cry it out in the middle of the night. We checked on her every 5 or 10 minutes. She screamed for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, and then once we finally picked her up it took another 45 minutes to an hour to calm her back to sleep. Some of the baby books say that crying it out with a high-need baby turns into a battle of wills. Hell yeah it did! So, I don't know that crying it out works and it broke my heart anyway. A lot of the sleep suggestions have to do with getting her to sleep through the night. That's not the problem at all. If she went to sleep in her bed, I would happily get up once or twice to feed her.

Kelly also has gas and reflux, but recently we discovered she has a milk allergy. So, we hoped that once we addressed that issue, she would sleep better. Funny. Not at all. That complicates it as well, because I don't want to force the issue in her bed if she is crying because her belly hurts. We have tried music, patting, shushing, and sitting next to her bed, and nothing works.

I don't know why my children do this, but is it taking a huge toll on me. If I have to nurse and hold my baby all day (have I mentioned that she won't take a bottle either?) then sleep with them at night, Mommy gets absolutely no break. So I am tired and super cranky--so unfortunately, Ally is getting the brunt of my irritability. This is also why I don't get any time to do anything--clean the house, talk to my husband, or get on the computer to update the stinking blog! I spend my days wracking my brain for solutions and come up with nothing. Any sympathy or suggestions?