The LAST baby

Allison Nicole

Poor thing had jaundice!


Kelly Elizabeth



What kind of face is that?!

As you probably know, Mike and I have two beautiful girls, ages 4 and 14 months. We didn't plan for there to be 3 1/2 years between them, but Ally was/is a handful and never slept as an infant. So, we weren't even considering another one until she was 2 years old.

When I was a little girl (3rd grade or so), I wanted to be a teacher and a mommy. And I wanted 6 kids. Now, I am the oldest of 2 kids, so I think I wanted to experience a large family. Especially since my mom is one of 5, and my dad is one of 7. (And if you think that is a lot--my grandpa is one of 14!) Realistically, once I grew up and got married, I knew that 6 kids was not going to happen. Mike and I always said 2 or 3--he leaned more towards two, and I leaned more toward three!

When we decided to try for a baby, I went into it expecting fertility problems. It took my parents YEARS to conceive me, and that included all kinds of fertility treatment and shots. So Mike and I tried to conceive for a while, and then had to stop because I was having stomach problems and horrible migraines. Being overly cautious, I didn't want to take the meds on the chance that I was pregnant, and my dr was not happy with me. We focused on getting me healthy for a while, and then tried again later that year. After just a few months, we were thrilled to learn that we were expecting! I had a lot of morning (well, all-day) sickness and the hour commute did not help. But once that subsided, it was pretty easy for the next few months. The worst part of my pregnancy with Ally was the gestational diabetes--having to watch my diet like a hawk, but thankfully not having to take insulin. In the last month, I wound up with sciatica, which is excruciating pain in your lower back/hip area, so it hurt every time I took a step. However, I loved being able to talk to her while she was in my belly, and once I felt her move, it was amazing. Loved, loved, loved it! And of course, it is always totally worth the inconvenience in the end!

When we decided to try for number 2, I again expected problems, but conceived within 3 months of trying. This second pregnancy was much harder, for multiple reasons. 3 days after I took a positive pregnancy test, Ally shared the flu with me. I was sick for two months between the flu, subsequent ear and sinus infections, and I think I ultimately cracked a rib from coughing. One of the hardest things was not being able to take a nap when I needed to. All of my aches and pains started earlier as well. On the plus side, I first felt Kelly move around 3 months! She was an Olympic soccer player in the womb!

Once Kelly was here, Mike felt that our family was complete. He (his words) didn't want to put me through all that again. He also knows that I am stretched pretty thin and have a quickly diminishing supply of patience at home. So, for reasons of sanity, space, health and money, we agreed that we were done having kids. My mind understands that, but my heart doesn't. It is hard for me to accept that I will never be pregnant again, never go through the agony/amazing experience of birth again, and never see another beautiful little person that we created. Sometimes I wish that an "oops" would happen that would take it completely out of our hands. I agree that two kids is enough (and sometimes more!) than I can handle. Every time I hear that a friend or family member is expecting a baby, I am thrilled for them. I also feel a little pang of envy--I miss that fleeting newborn phase. It goes by too quickly. I guess that is why people have more babies!

The ballerina and the ladybug

Since the last two posts have been long and depressing, this will be short with cute pics!

We have had the girls' costumes for months. Ally wanted to be a ballerina, so I found a beautiful dress in a catalog and it has been hanging in her closet since. Ally helped Mike and I pick out Kelly's outfit, though she argued with us for a while! She liked the one we liked least, of course, it was more expensive.
It took forever for us to get out the door, since we wound up eating dinner later than planned. We didn't leave until almost 7 pm, and actually handed out candy to about 10-15 kids while still at the house. The outfits took forever to dry. I had to find pants and shirts to go under the costumes since it was so cold. Then I needed to "do" Ally's hair.

My beautiful ballerina! You can't see the pretty curls in back.

My ladybug all ready to go!

My girlies!

Kelly is just like her sister, in that she hates hats!

We snapped this pic as soon as we put the hat on, because we knew she would take it off immediately!

We took Kelly in her stroller and she did great. We only took her up to half of the houses, because she can't have the candy anyway. She only has two teeth, so that makes it difficult too. Of course, the main thing is the dairy allergy, so no chocolate for her. I felt bad, so I made her special "Kelly-friendly" treats. Ally wanted to come home after about 45 minutes and hand out candy. I had to tell her that we didn't usually see a lot of kids on our street, so she decided to rake in more loot! When we got home, we were all cold and the girls were TIRED! Ally didn't even want to play. She wanted to look at her candy, eat some and go to bed! So we did! :o)

Mattie

Seven years ago today, our family suffered a huge shock with the loss of Mattie. Even after all this time, it impacts me immensely, but I will try to express my thoughts.

M (Mike's sister) and her husband W were pregnant with their first baby. We were extremely excited. Mike and I had a pregnancy scare earlier in the year, and it turned out to be a false alarm. We were nowhere near ready to be parents, since we were only 24, had lots of student loans and were still in an apartment. But I will admit to being a little disappointed. When we found out that M was pregnant, we thought that it would be great practice! We anticipated spoiling that little baby like crazy, learning how to do diapers (neither of us had any experience with babies), and years down the road, babysitting to give them a night off.

M had an incredibly easy pregnancy for the most part, with no complications, and was due November 3rd. She is a very tiny woman, so she looked like she had a basketball under her shirt! We enjoyed all the baby news updates. In October, Mike and I were on vacation in Kentucky and called to check in on them. We had a discussion full of laughter, as we placed our "bets" in the pool as to when the baby would be born. M and W had determined the name, Martha Michelle, or Mattie, early on in the pregnancy.

I remember the phone call on November 3rd vividly. Most of that day is etched permanently in my memory, even though I wish otherwise. Mike and I were joking around and watching a taped episode of West Wing when the phone rang. I jumped up, laughing, and grabbed the phone. My MIL was on the other end and I could tell that she was upset. She said "the baby is dead." My heart dropped into my stomach and I thought I was going to throw up. I thought that maybe there had been an accident and both M and the baby were dead. I asked "how is M?" and she said that M felt guilty, that she must have done something wrong. When I clarified my question, she said that M was physically fine. They were waiting to see if M would go into labor; otherwise they would induce her.

I basically went into shock and said goodbye, without finding out what hospital they were at. I had to turn to Mike and tell him the hideous news. Then I bawled hysterically. We had been anticipating the call with joyous news, nothing like this had ever crossed our minds. Mike called his mom's cell and we went to find them. We wanted to be there for support during this time. We met at the hospital and I distinctly remember us walking into her hospital room. Mike saw the incubator and immediately starting sobbing. I think M was in shock as well, because she joked about his tears. I followed him out in the hall and just held him.

When we went back in the room, we found out that M had woken up and questioned the last time she felt the baby move. As anyone who has been pregnant knows, you can go hours without feeling movement, especially overnight and if the baby is getting into position for labor. I saw that they had their hospital bag packed as well as the cord blood registry kit with them. They might have even had the car seat there as well. It broke my heart. They raced to the dr/hospital once they thought something was wrong, but it was too late. There was no heartbeat. Mattie was gone.

We spent the rest of the day there, waiting for her to give birth. I don't remember if they wound up inducing. Mike and I went out for food that evening, which tasted like sawdust, but we had to eat. I remember having the headache from hell all day. We checked on them and found out she was in labor. We went back to the hospital and were able to see that beautiful baby. She was gorgeous, and had the family cleft in her chin, just like my girls do now.

The simple reason for Mattie being stillborn was a cord accident. The dr said as Mattie moved, the cord wrapped around her neck. Since Mattie's death (and I never know whether to say birth or death since it is all wrapped in one), I have heard statistics and read stories. It happens more than you think. It doesn't change the horrible sadness that permeates a family. I couldn't sleep that night--I kept thinking of what happened, what could have changed things, and kept seeing Mattie's little face.

It has been seven years, and every November 3rd, I remember. I am crying as I finish this post. It still makes me nauseous, sad, and heartbroken to think of what happened. The emotions have different shades now that I have experienced both pregnancy and motherhood. My girls should have a 7 year old big cousin bossing them around.

The loss of Mattie shadowed my pregnancies with extra stress, worrying every time I didn't feel the baby move. The loss of Mattie splintered Mike's family for several years due to grief and miscommunication, which is an entirely different story, but it compounded the sadness and heartbreak. The loss of Mattie makes me pray even more every time a friend or family member is pregnant.

Life is short and precious--don't take it for granted.

Got Milk part 2 (belated)

So, months and months ago, I wrote about our discovery that Kelly was allergic to milk. She had been cranky and crying, unable to sleep, etc. I mentioned that she was doing much better after the diagnosis, and she was indeed. What I didn't feel like delving into at that point was a discussion of the continued weight issues.

Kelly was a "chunky monkey", weighing about 8 lbs at birth, which was 1 1/2 lbs heavier than Ally. She was a barracuda of a nurser at first, which was excruciating for me, but she gained great! We were thrilled, because we had all kinds of weight gain issues with Ally. I was so thankful that we didn't have that problem this time around. Umm, maybe I said that too soon! She had not gained much weight (about 8 ounces) between the allergy diagnosis and her next checkup (maybe 2-3 weeks), but the allergist wasn't concerned. He said that the milk was still working its way out of her system, and that my milk supply was adjusting. For reference, at that age she should have been gaining 1/2 to 1 ounce a day.

We still had a lot of crying, and it wasn't just Kelly! I was starving! Not literally of course, because I was eating and trying to eat well. But watching two kids and dealing with a limited amount of time and food options was quickly wearing on me, both physically and emotionally. I was becoming cranky from the deprivation of "good" food, and was constantly trying to find something filling to eat. No offense to any vegetarians/vegans, but the soy stuff just doesn't cut it for me. Adding to that was the very unhappy baby who would not sleep anyway but with Mike or I.

I finally took her back to the doctor February 3rd because of the increased fussiness (OMG--I couldn't take it anymore!!!!) and lack of sleep. At that visit, she weighed only 13 lbs 5oz, which was a gain of only 14 ounces since December 19th. I was terrified by that number. I was afraid that they were to have to hospitalize her to "pump her up"!

I pretty much lost it with the dr. I explained that I was at my wits end and didn't know what else to do. I felt that I had done all that I could with regards to breastfeeding her a milk-free diet and since she would not take a bottle, that I didn't know what else to do. The dr informed me that some babies can still be irritated by breastmilk from a milk-free diet just by the fact that human milk has lactose in it. So she suggested that I completely wean Kelly to formula. We decided on Alimentum, since many babies who are allergic to milk are also allergic to soy. She also suggested that we have a RAST performed--basically a blood test for food allergies.

I feared the next few days, since she had always fought the bottle. I nursed her at lunch, and then planned a bottle for the evening. Mike and I decided to run out and get the bloodwork done after picking up Ally from preschool. We knew they were forecasting a little bit of snow, but not a big deal. Boy, were the forecasters wrong on that one! It was a holy mess. Accidents, stop-and-go traffic, insanity. We sat at a light trying to get to the hospital for 30 minutes! We honestly thought about walking--it would have been faster except for the possible falls! It took well over an hour to get there (should have taken 20 minutes) and those scenarios are why I keep nutrigrain bars and fruit snacks in the diaper bag. We were all hungry, so they came in handy! We actually were thankful for the hospital cafeteria, so we didn't have to go back out in the snow to eat. You know things are bad when you are looking forward to hospital food! :o)

Kelly handled the bloodwork as well as could be expected, and Ally was a great help in distracting her. I wound up nursing her that night in the cafeteria, since I hadn't had a chance to buy new bottles or formula. It was not the sweet bonding moment that I wanted for my last nursing session with Kelly. I was trying to be discreet while 2 teenage boys were at a booth right near us! Horribly uncomfortable and worried about getting home safely.

On a "thank goodness" note, Kelly didn't fight the abrupt change to bottles at all. She took them pretty well for me, right away. Maybe the formula settled better in her belly and she was grateful! And of course, I appreciated not being the only meal ticket in town at night--ha!

Posting Plethora

NaBloPoMo--National Blog Posting Month--you post once a day. Yep, I'm going to try. Yes, it HAS been almost 3 months since I have posted, thanks for noticing. I thought that forcing myself to post every day might actually get me in the routine of posting at all!

Right now, Mike is taking the girls out for a nice walk in the way-too-cool air while I blog and pillage the kids' candy. I consider the pillaging a perk of motherhood! :o) The weather here has been insane--it dropped to 32 degrees last night! Not to mention, we froze our butts off during trick-or-treating. We didn't get out until almost 7pm, so the sun had already set and the temperature had dropped immensely. Being the genius mom that I am, I didn't want to impede the look of the costumes, so we didn't wear coats or hats. Poor Kelly's hands were bright red when we got home! Probably not the smartest thing since she is getting over an ear infection. In my defense, they both had long sleeve shirts on under their costumes and Kelly had pants as well. But let's be realistic. Kelly immediately took off the hat to her costume, so I don't think winter hats will fly here either!

I will add pics later, but I'm off to find more candy!

Housekeeping

Well, not about the "real" housecleaning. Which, of course, I should be doing instead of typing on the computer. Ha! I'm not very good at keeping up with housekeeping or blogging...oh well.

Thanks to those who commented on the donation post. It was a 5-1 vote for St. Jude's. That check has been sent, and I was feeling generous so I sent a little bit to some other charities as well. Honestly, the letters they sent me made me feel guilty. Their ploys worked and I sent them money! I hate just saying no to these charities, but you can't send money to all of them. Sometimes my hubby wants me to stop sending money so that the barrage of requests will end, but I can't do that.

Regarding speech therapy, thank you Kelsey for your comment. We have gone around and around with calling different agencies and talking to different pediatricians, and have gotten absolutely nowhere. I went thru a certain agency and filled out paperwork, and it took forever to receive a response. I got an approval that expired 2-3 days after I received it. When I called, I was told that approval was only for an evaluation anyway. Which, obviously, we had already done. It was just a huge headache. We are blessed that we can take the financial hit and just use the funds in our FSA to reimburse for the therapy. Definitely hurts our finances, but we will still be able to make ends meet.

On the good side, therapy seems to be going well. We go every other week with Ms. L, and Ally aced her first lesson. She listened well, and tried hard. It did surprise me a little that Ms. L didn't understand her very well. I mean, I understand other people not comprehending her words. But this person works with kids with speech delays, so I thought she would be used to it. Anyway, we have "homework" and after working for just 2-3 days, she finally got the right pronounciation of "f", both at the beginning and end of words, ie wolf, elf, fire, four, five.

She was so proud of herself and we were thrilled! Ms. L was happy too! Our new sounds are "s" and "sh" and Ally is having a much harder time. There hasn't been an epiphany yet. The other problem is that she might focus so much on one sound that she forgets the rest of what she is saying! For instance, she had her 4 yr checkup and one of the questions was "What are on your feet?". She focused on the "sh" part of shoes, and forgot to make it plural, which is the skill that the question was looking for. I am praying that the therapy continues to go well, and that we can just get her to a point where she is mostly understood. Then when she enters the public school system, we can work with their programs. At least I think (and hope) so!

Ride On Fun…Eco-Style!

Ride On Fun…Eco-Style!

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Rockin' Mama just posted this giveaway and it looks like an awesome outdoor toy for Ally. I really hope I win it, because I doubt Mike will let me buy it! :o) This seems fun, and the website even says that adults can try it! Hee hee hee...

I have had some luck winning a few online contests for DVDs--thanks to Sarah at psmomreviews and The Mom Jen . So keep your fingers crossed that we win this! I know, I know...I'm greedy!